I will spare you the narrative about a ship battle. Two ships almost hit each other but didn't. The End.
I will, however, inflict the two more clever ones on you all. Behind a cut, because I'm not totally inconsiderate in my displays of raging ego.
Toss the Dwarf
Sometimes when we go ashore, we get into a fight
And if things are going badly, and things are getting tight
We know it's time the sailors all just got back to the wharf
So somebody just hurry up and toss, toss the dwarf!
Toss the dwarf, second mate, send him through the air!
Land him 'midst the enemy, you know we don't care where
You grab him by the belt and then you grab him by the scarf
And give a heave and give a throw and toss, toss the dwarf!
Through the air our bosun, bonnie Vendel Skolpa, sails
Knife all clutched in one hand, the other's got an ale
If that were me, you know, I think I'd need to barf
But Skolpa seems to like it, so just toss, toss the dwarf!
The Vendel are the faux-Dutch in this game world.
Skolpa is the bosun's name.
His mother was a baker, worked in a pastry shop
His father was a marquis, and his eye she caught
Now he is a great chef, and everywhere he goes
A little touch of magic helps out the dish he's chose
But I, I sailed on this Sea Dog ship
And I curse these hardtack biscuits
And the salty grog I sip
But I know I'd dine in bliss,
Oh I know I'd dine in bliss,
Oh I know I'd dine in bliss
With Chef Maurice
Every week, he reaches out into a rip in space
And brings back all the foodstuffs to go on shipmates' plates
Fresh fruit that's in season, bread that's soft and warm
Spiced wine good for heating up when they've had a storm
He never stews up salt pork; he roasts fresh chops instead
And serves them up with carrots, with squash and with that bread
Every sailor on ship eats like an officer
The officers, they eat like kings, served dishes they prefer
Then his ship was boarded by our stalwart men
Maurice took two cleavers, put down the stewpot's hen
He challenged our own Isaac, but the sailors were alarmed
When Chef Maurice went to the rails - and took a point in either arm
Faux-French sorcerers in this game can open magical portals that let them bring items from far away to where they are.
The Sea Dogs are faux-English privateers.